Being Father

this past weekend and for the past 2 days i have been grieving the loss of time with my children, trying to reconstruct what i should, would or could have done differently, sooner, never, walking on my own eggshells made of razorblades, bumping up against the wall that blocks me from compassion, viewing the distance with attachment and getting caught up in various levels of anxiety in the process.

last night at the dance i went inside my body and tore out the organs, raw and writhing, with my teeth, that held me into this particular orbit, a sea of wooden horses on a merry-go-round, not the living, snorting hot oaty breath-horse that i know i am. no one called me on it. no one tripped over the mess. so those old pieces of me dissolved in my sweat dripping down into the floorboards, and my body was filled again with fresh systems of compassion, circulatory, respiratory, digestive, reproductive.

i can't say enough about the support i am receiving from virginia around this and other issues that come up, and there is a complementary reverberation within her life. we continue to find new ways to be kind to each other. there is an ease, a comfort of being together, and we freely accept that gift from the spirits who bless us, from the nature we live in.